ABAH

reaching 20 in a few days

as age never will decrease

as death is nearer to me

I dedicated this whole post to my late ABAH

may Alllah places him amongst His believers

ameen

I'm so afraid

I'll forget him sooner or later

so here I am,

writing about him

AWALUDDIN BIN JOHARI

He died on 27th May 2004

subuh time

a few days before my birthday

it was said that abah died because of sudden heart attack

on his death certificate,

it was written as 'sakit dada'

there's no telling that he'll go that morning

just like nights before

i slept on one of his arms

while my abang on his other arm

we slept peacefully, hugging him through the night

he woke up around 4 or 5am

seating in the kitchen

watching my ibu making kuih

as my ibu made kuih for some side income

fortunately, ibu made some 'bingka'

abah's fav

he ate a few of it

he was also complaining that he has a heartache to my ibu

but ibu thought of it as nothing

since abah worked as a construction worker

so it's normal to hear him saying that

[or maybe it's us who didn't care much about it]

before this,

ibu was always reminding him to see a doctor

but he refused

after eating those 'bingka's,

he wanted to go back to sleep

so he laid back between my abang and me

that was the moment

I didn't realize a thing

until I heard my ibu crying and shaking abah's body

 abah didn't respond even his eyes were wide opened

my atok and nenek rushed to our home

[their house is next to us]

when they heard my ibu screaming

it was like a flash

it happened so quick

and it's difficult for us

abah was brought to hospital for autopsy

[i think. i don't really remember]

our relatives came from different places

I've never saw some of them

and I kept myself busy playing with my cousins

so were my brothers

I refused when ibu called me

to give abah my last respects

I stood with the crowd

but not approaching abah

I was dragged by somebody

and was forced to kiss abah on his cheeks

I cried

but as soon as I turned back

I shed my tears and started to play again

in denial

when it's time to go to cemetery

I, once again, refused to follow

I made ibu cried because none of her children seems accepting the reality

yet I followed them after someone dragged me

yes, again

the cemetery is situated behind our sekolah agama

at that time,

[i must be crazy]

I waved my hands to my friends that standing behind the fence

and somebody was trying to stop me doing that

but I tell you,

I was walking with a bright smile on my face

that night,

we're holding a 'tahlil'

three of us, abang, am and me, sleeping in the kitchen

like nothing happened

I slept between them, holding their hands

it's sure hurts us

it costs us a huge pain

that we were even refusing to face the reality

it's so sudden

abah

despite our difficulties,

he was so loving

so caring

so attentive

he was a very good father

alhamdulillah

hasil didikan ibu dan abah

inilah aku yang sekarang

aku yang cuba mencari solehah side of mine

dalam perjalanan aku menuju Tuhanku

moga setiap langkah aku mendekati syurga

membawa mereka lebih dekat juga

kerana syurga yang aku ingin menjejakkan kakiku

bukanlah syurga yang aku masuk tanpa mereka

nurfarahhazwani

bintu awaluddin dan siti haidah

30052014 21:20

villa Darul Aliyah

moga Allah redha